What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 04:34
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Why do people love to live alone in a house?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She wouldn,t have been !
Have you ever had your crush reject you, and then later you all dated and married?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Comes on , in middle age.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Why are perceived or real slights interpreted as rejections and reality by pwBPD?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
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She found it foreign!.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
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And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He resisted the act ,that day.
What did i know ?
All the time i was locked up.
Im still living with it.
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One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I write beautiful poetry .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Especially a lifetime of it.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
So whats the point in blame.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was seconnd youngest,
So, i spoilt her more .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My family never makes their pension either.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I waited trembling.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
When she asked me how she looked .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I think the readers, may guess!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She married twice! .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But ive been too sick for many years..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He knew the spot.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But, we were locked up after school.
She loved him until the end.
It was going to be , some day.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Put me off passion for life!!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Would this be the day?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We all went to grammer schools
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I have no regrets .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My life is so biszare .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We were not on the streets..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But it wasn’t much.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I was 9 years of age.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I don,t even have a pension.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Ive learnt so much.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I will be 64.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Why did i forgive my father ?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Who then, do I blame.?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I could never make a relationship work though!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She was in good health!
And i lived it daily.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
This is soul school!.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was very sick at this time too.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
One cannot live in the past .
I was scared of men, in general
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I said to her